There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
