Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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