i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Less talking, more tequila
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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