I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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