you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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