The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
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