threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
pray to the hookup gods
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
