At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
