the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
