The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
