I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
