I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I checked into jail on foursquare
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
