I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
