but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
