I just saw a hot homeless man
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
