you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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