I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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