I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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