I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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