I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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