I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize