When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.