No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...