I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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