I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
