oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
