I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My ATM looks so different sober.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
