all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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