After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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