My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
