Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
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He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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