Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
