please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
