I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
