woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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