if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
