I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
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I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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