Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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