we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
