My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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