I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My ass is underappreciated
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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