It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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