These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
