Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
