If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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