That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
