I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Randomize
