her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my being single is dangerous.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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