Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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