im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
