My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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