just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
