Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
