Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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