its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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