I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
