Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
