i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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