Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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